Don Jon (Joseph Gordon-Levitt, 2013)

“Ever see that movie Shame? ‘Bout some guy who likes to jerk it. Frankly, that shit was depressing. I mean, am I supposed to be ashamed for liking to jerk off? Get this, my girl’s a dime. Perfect tits. Perfect ass. She’s the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I love her. Honest to God I do. But she was holding out on me. Teasing me and making me work for it. Hell, I even took a night class because of her. Self-improvement she calls it. What’s a guy supposed to do? Just blue-ball it? That shit is irreversible.

Anyway, she finally gives it to me. And you know what? Can’t help but feel disappointed. Before I was dating this girl, I was getting it on the regular. But the thing is, after it was all said and done, after the girl knocked out for the night, I would shimmy my way to my living room with my laptop and a box of Kleenex. Cause even when my girl made me wait for it, it still didn’t beat porn: no girl does what the girls in porn do. And it ain’t like I’m going to suggest some of that when we’re in the moment. So, my question is this: is there any girl that actually lives up to the high standard that porn provides? Or is that the cream of the crop?”

– Bein’ Real Ain’t Hard

 

The majority of men in this survey believed porn did not represent ‘how men and women really are’, several said it told the truth about men, or at the least their fantasies, while others thought it gave an ‘unreal picture of sexual relations’ and provided ‘sexual misinformation’

With that handle BRAH, it’s not hard to understand the type of guy you are. While you ask two loaded questions about blowing your load, my bigger concerns are the correlation between how you describe your “dime” of a girlfriend and your obvious preference toward pornography. Anyone familiar with Shere Hite’s study on male sexuality (1981) can find an interesting (if flawed) qualitative testimony on the consumption of pornography. The study’s general survey yielded the following results:

“While some men expressed indifference, hostility, or mixed feelings about porn, many reported that it made them feel good; as one man noted of the porn model, ‘It does me good to think she wants me’. The majority of men in this survey believed porn did not represent ‘how men and women really are’, several said it told the truth about men, or at the least their fantasies, while others thought it gave an ‘unreal picture of sexual relations’ and provided ‘sexual misinformation’” (Shere, 1981)

BRAH, it’s clear you’re misinformed. Whatever ludicrous reason why you would prefer the artificial (porn) to the real (your dime) depends on your consumption and exposure to sexuality. But one thing is pretty clear from the way you actually talk about your girlfriend: you’re bestowing material traits to a living, breathing human being. Dimes and tits and asses make it sound like you’re fucking a digital copy of a person. Reevaluate what you want, what you actually love in her and in a person, and quit trying to manifest illusion (porn) out of reality (your dime).

“I’m a professional, heterosexual woman. I met a guy at a club (not a place that I usually meet men) and decided to keep him at a distance. He’s a bartender and I usually don’t associate with those types of people. But he ended up being pretty sweet, going out of his way to my number and taking me out to lunch. I was perfectly clear with him from the start about my intentions: he’ll have to earn my trust. The first thing he was after when I met him was sex and I just had to keep that sort of thing in check. And he obeyed. I’m molding him into exactly what I want in a man. Anyway, one day at his apartment I just stumbled onto his internet browsing history and was appalled to see a long list of pornography. Disgusting! I was so prepared to give everything to him! Are there any men out there who don’t look at porn?!?

- No Boys Allowed

You’re forcing the guy to enter a fantasy world, so does it not make sense that he would retreat to one?

No NBA. All men watch porn. Each and every single one of them.

Well, maybe not. But the real question and the one that puts me in a tizzy is the dubious sense of entitlement you’ve got going on here. You don’t associate with those “types” of people? He “obeyed”? You’re “molding him”?  Get that shit outta here. You’re forcing the guy to enter a fantasy world, so does it not make sense that he would retreat to one?

“What would be the best possible way of introducing the idea of a sexual relationship with my son’s girlfriend without him or my wife knowing?”

-   Not Tony Danza

Watch the episode of “Who’s the Boss” when Tony asks Johnny’s girlfriend the same thing. Then realize that this is a stupid fucking idea.

(for a more traditional take on Don Jon , check out my capsule review for the film here)